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In an intimate or romantic encounter, talking or expressing desire creates some of the sexiest moments. If you can find someone who values pleasure, mutuality, and emotional connection in ways that you do—even if it’s only a one-time thing—then you’re on your way to creating more ideal encounters. “We each deserve a partner(s) who pays attention to our feelings and respects our wishes. If someone’s wants or needs are different than our own and together we can’t decide on a situation that each person feels comfortable with, then we can make a decision that honors our needs and respond in a way that respects their choice,” said Kathryn Dailey, Assistant Director of Health Promotion at CU Boulder.

Less that, more this That’s not my thing—but you are Would you like to…? If it doesn’t feel right, say something Let’s talk about what you’re into That’s not for me—how about [this]? I need to postpone sexytime I’m glad you feel able to change your mind How good is it for you if I…? What’s the hottest thing you’ve ever tried? How can I make this even better for you? Firmer touch? Just right? Gentler? No problem—I’m relieved you can say it We’ll hold off—thanks for taking care of yourself Sexy snuggles orsleepy snuggles? “More like this?” “Yes, like that!” You don’t seem super-keen, so I’ll take that as a no Still good with this? Keep going?

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